You were right. It hurts to walk today.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
