Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
