No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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