i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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