Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
