I think she gave up trying 2 land a bf and let herself go
You misogynist thinking that every girl wants a bf
They do. I don't appreciate u using big words idk and im gonna take offense
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Randomize
