Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
