Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
