just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Randomize
