a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
it's like iHOP with fire
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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