So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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