dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
