My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
