Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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