Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
