My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
