No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Randomize
