so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
