i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
