I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
