I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Randomize
