this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
