I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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