if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
