you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
