I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
