It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
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