someone threw a dead crab at me
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
