So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
