I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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