I need to stop coming to work sober
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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