Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Randomize