I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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