i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
