Dude my mom stole all your condoms
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
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