and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
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