when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
She just used a chaser for red wine.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
