enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
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