My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Someone signed my nipple.
Randomize
