cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
