So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
