I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
