does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Vodka?
Forever.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize