I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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