I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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