I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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