The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
