you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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