The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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