He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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