Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
