You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
