my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize