if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
