yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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