oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
