saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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