if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
