You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
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