He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
