life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
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