my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
