Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
