Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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