If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
