Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Randomize
