You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
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